Courtesy

cour.te.sy n: the quality or state of being courteous.
cour.te.ous adj: showing respect and consideration for others.
–Webster’s Dictionary

Every taekwondo book I’ve ever read has a section devoted to the five tenets of taekwondo. In them, courtesy is usually described in terms of respect for instructors and those of senior rank, as well as the rituals and traditions every student is expected to follow. We bow as we enter and exit the dojang to show respect for our school; we bow to the masters and black belts to show our respect for their skills and to honor them for passing those teachings down to us. We turn our backs when we straighten our uniforms to show respect for our teachers and many more rituals, large and small. These rituals express our respect for others who follow our path and our gratitude towards our teaches for sharing their knowledge with us.

Truthfully, though, I have yet to meet a woman who has difficulty with the concept of courtesy. In my experience, women are far more likely to be overly courteous. While this is a good thing inside our schools, it can be detrimental — even harmful — outside of them. How many of us (myself, included) have ever gone a long with something that made us uncomfortable because we “didn’t want to be rude”? As women we’re taught to be respectful and courteous at all times; if you’re like me, you have a difficult time determining when the time for courtesy is over. I know there’ve been many times when I’ve said, “well, it’s not that I don’t want to…it’s just that I have [fill in the blank excuse here]…”, when what I really wanted to say is “Hell, no! Not in a million years!”

As women we’re frequently taught to stifle our instincts, second-guess our hunches, and ignore the small voice in our head that tells us there’s something wrong with the situation we’re about to get ourselves into. We’re taught to be kind, to be courteous, to respect others…but we’re never been taught to be kind and courteous and respectful to ourselves. Quite the contrary — I know I was taught to place others’ needs ahead of my own. We’re taught to defer to what our friend wants to play when s/he’s over at our house. We’re taught to give in to avoid arguments and to share with others and to keep our clothes clean. Above all, at least for me, we were supposed to “play nice”. I wish I’d been taught how to balance others’ needs with my own needs and when it’s right and appropriate to stop being courteous to a particular person and/or in a particular situation.

The rituals of my school are important to me. I chose a traditional school for myself and my son (whom I’ll call ‘Dynamo’ in these pages) because I wanted those gestures of courtesy and respect. They’re important to me and I hope they’ll become important to him, as well. And most of the time, a little courtesy goes a long way. But when the cable company gives you an eight-hour service window…when you’ve already asked (nicely) the telephone solicitation company several times to stop calling you…when you’re gut tells you that you need to get away from the “nice” man who’s insisting on helping you load your groceries into your car, despite you having told him several times you want to do it yourself…then it’s time to try something else.

Courtesy and respect…like charity…begins “at home”.

Next post: Integrity.

Tags: courtesy, five tenets, martial arts