Recently, I sparred for the first time in 15 years. I think I must’ve taken the teenage black belt they put me up against by surprise. I watched his eyes go really wide when I sprang at him straight out of the gate. He’s one of Dynamo’s friends, so even though he’s seen me in class before, I’m sure he was thinking “middle-aged … mom … low belt rank ….” I managed to keep him on the defensive for the whole bout. I have to admit, I’m pretty proud of myself; I didn’t score a single hit, but neither did he. Pretty good for the first day back in a long time. 
I can understand his surprised reaction. Many women just starting out are really nervous about even just the idea of sparring. I know I was. The night before that sparring class, I’d been really nervous about stepping back into the ring. I knew I was going to get my butt handed to me on a silver platter. And that’s even with knowing what to expect. Most women starting out don’t have that advantage.
When I sparred for the real first time, 15 years ago, I was a nervous wreck. My hands were shaking so badly I fumbled while trying to put on the headgear. I was nervous about getting hit, sure, but I was also afraid of hurting my opponent. I didn’t really trust my sparring gear, yet, and I certainly didn’t trust myself. But even moret, I was afraid of looking like a wimp, afraid of gaining the label “girl”. As in, “you fight like a girl.” As the only woman in the class, I felt I had to show my right to be there. I’ve talked to other women who felt the same; like me, they felt they needed to be twice as aggressive as the guys. After watching a tournament, my SO — Jay — commented that the women’s bouts were vicious [his emphasis]. In general, I think fighting women feel they have more to prove.
Then there’s the other side of the coin. Many women who can throw themselves into forms or target kicking freeze up when they first get into the ring. Most of us have never been hit, never been in a fight until we step out on the mats. One of the best things my first master ever did was to line all the white belts in chest protectors and have us practice taking blows. He wanted us to get over the fear of being hit. It worked so well for me, I’ve since used it on Dynamo.
I think women, in general, need more time to get used to the idea of hitting and being hit. I’ve read about some schools where they let students ease into sparring gradually, making sure the student has control over the situation. They allow people to step out of practice if the situation become too much for them. As an abuse survivor, I applaud this wholeheartedly. Women (and men) who’ve been abused need to know — at all times — that they’re in control of their own bodies.
