May

Weight, Body Image and the Martial Arts

I’ve always had a weight problem. In my 20s and 30s, I struggled with my weight on a constant and daily basis. It was on my mind practically every minute of the day from the time I got up in the morning until I fell asleep at night. Every bite I put in my mouth was scrupulously considered. Every single calorie I ate had to be examined for nutritional content. I suffered from blood pressure problems, headaches, depression, amid other health issues. And the problems only increased as I started taekwondo the first time and had to struggle to maintain weight class.

I was chronically (and often severely) underweight.

My doctor had to put me on a 3000 calories a day diet. I needed to eat constantly and everything I ate had to have something “extra”. I couldn’t eat just a salad — it had to have bacon, cheese, dressing — anything I could add to provide healthy calories. And because my body was burning the calories so fast, they all had to have nutritional value. I would do really well on my diet for a few months, bring my weight to over 100lbs, then get tired of eating or have something upset me and I’d stop. I’d start skipping meals again (something I still struggle with a little) and the next thing I knew, I’d be back down around 85-90lbs. Even at 5′3″, that was way too low.

Looking back now, I can see several contributing factors. My activity level definitely topped the list. At the time I had no car and lived in an area where most things were within walking distance; those that weren’t were easily reached by public transportation. I walked a mile to work every morning and a mile home in the evening. Errands usually added another mile or two (or three) daily. I was the assistant manager of an independent book store, a job that kept me on my feet all day. Finally add to that an hour-long class at the dojang three to four days a week, plus yoga and weightlifting. It’s no wonder I couldn’t keep weight on.

But the biggest factor was my body image. No matter how thin I got, I felt fat. If I had even a small amount of body fat, I felt like a blimp. In the years since then, I’ve worked hard on correcting my body image, to try and see myself as I really am and not with the 20lbs or so more my brain adds whenever I look in the mirror. I still struggle with it, but I feel like I’m finally winning. Most days.

Martial arts have certainly helped me through this. It gives me a weight goal to focus on. I can change the crux of my self-talk from “you’ve got too much body fat” to “I have to stay at this weight, fat or not, or I’ll drop out of my weight class.” Yeah, I could qualify for the lower weight class, but my point is to get around my negative image, rather than to maintain a specific weight. And being fit makes me feel better about myself, no matter what the scale says.