Domestic Abuse: 12 Reasons Why Women Stay

What I present in this post is my own experience and the experience of the many other women I’ve known who’ve also lived through domestic abuse in any form. I refer to the abuser as “he” and the abused as “she” because I’m writing about why women don’t leave, but also because the vast majority of abuse is male on female. The other way around does happen — I’ve known a couple of men who were emotionally battered by their wives — but it’s far from the norm.

Also, I use the term “victim” deliberately. Most recovery therapists will tell you to refer to yourself as a “survivor” (powerful), rather than as a “victim” (powerless). While this may be true for many women, for me, I couldn’t begin healing until I realized that I was a victim — that didn’t have responsibility for the abuse, that it was something that happened to me, not because of me.

The comment I hear most often from people who’ve never dealt with abuse in their own lives is: “But why did she stay?”

There are a thousand and one reasons why a woman would stay with her abuser:

1. 1. She has children with the abuser and is afraid that something will happen to them if she even thinks about leaving. This is a very valid fear, as many abusers do use children as a means of getting their partner to stay.
2. 2. Her partner has threatened to hunt her down and harm or kill her, her children, and/or her family. While this threat (to the best of my knowledge) isn’t carried out as often as it’s given, the news is full of enough stories where this has actually happened to keep the woman in place — usually for the safety of others, rather than herself. This wasn’t one I faced, but many, many women have, so I’m including it here.
3. 3. No economic means of support. The abuser rigidly control a woman’s finances. Usually, she’s given a very inadequate “allowance”, if she has any money of her own at all. Any money she does get usually goes to necessities or small luxuries — for her kids. If I hadn’t had close family who were in a position to financially care for Dynamo and me, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.
4. 4. She’s too scared to face the world. I know, this sounds like a cop-out. But you cannot imagine the mind job an abuser does to his partner, if you’re never experienced it yourself. Before meeting my ex, I’d run an independent bookstore, finished my bachelor’s degree, and run a couple of successful small businesses. But after even just six years of marriage, I doubted my sanity and had lost all faith in my abilities. The scene from the movie Private Benjamin, where top-ranking army officer Judy Benjamin’s lover says “Sit!” to the dog and she, herself, sits haunts me. I did the same thing once.
5. 5. The loss of health insurance. This is a point frequently overlooked and one of the main reasons I stayed with my ex as long as I did. Far too many women in abusive situations develop serious health issues, such as severe depression and fibromyalgia. My medical expenses when I was with my ex topped $300 a month after health insurance payments. That was co-pays alone. And many insurance companies won’t give you private insurance if you have serious, long-term health issues.
6. 6. She has nowhere to go. Yes, domestic violence shelters do exist, but they are usually severely underfunded and overcrowded.
7. 7. She has no one to turn to. Most abusers systematically cut their partner off from her support system. They will deliberately insult friends, family, and neighbors. They prevent her from attending social events. Note, this prevention frequently doesn’t come in out-right forbiddance (though it can). My ex was the master of “I haven’t seen you much and I just like having you around the house”, even if he never so much as looked at or spoke to me. An abuser will even go as far as accepting social invitations and then simply not show up or find some way to insult the host so that he embarrasses his partner. The partner, for her part, gets so overwhelmed with constantly apologizing for his behavior, she starts turning down social invitations herself.
8. 8. Her abuser makes her feel needed. Many women are afraid to leave their abusers because they believe the abuser is incapable of caring for himself or threatens suicide. Before condemning these women for being foolish, naive, or soft, remember — the abuser is usually someone she loves deeply.
9. 9. The abuser has gotten insider her head. The woman can honestly believe she will never be free from the abuser, so it’s better for her to stay put. Abusers are very, very good at building this belief. This is especially true if they have kids together, as the woman believes she’ll still have to deal with her abuser at custody exchanges and important events.
10. 10. She’s afraid what the separation will do to her kids. Conversely, she’s afraid that since she doesn”t usually have a financial means of support, their abuser will gain custody of their kids. This is a genuine concern. Abuse (as I found out) is extremely hard to prove, especially if you’re like most victims, and go to great lengths to keep the abuse from friends, family, society, and your kids. If you can’t prove abuse, it’s a very real possibility the abuser will come off looking like the wronged party and the more stable and responsible parent.
11. 11. Her partner promises to change. And he usually does — just long enough and minimally enough to make the woman believe that real change is finally starting. Abuse victims cling to the smallest, faintest thread of hope. They deeply, desperately want to believe their their abuser, so they do.
12. 12. She believes the situation is her fault. I haven’t met any victim of domestic abuse that didn’t believe this at one point in the relationship. Plus, many take on the blame out of a false sense of empowerment: if she’s responsible for the situation, that means she can change it. If she’s not responsible, then she has to admit she’s powerless. Abusers are very, very good at twisting the abuse to make the woman believe it’s her fault the abuse happened. Well-meaning counselors can aggravate the situation by telling a woman to deal with her own issues and not project them onto her partner. They fail to notice, with alarming frequency, that the relationship is the issue.

And there are many, many other reasons. Every woman has her own list; this one just happens to be mine. But from my own experience and that of other women I’ve known, the biggest reason a woman stays is:

• She doesn’t know she’s being abused.