Silence Can Kill

Women talk too much. They never know when to shut up. They’re incurable gossips. Catty. All they do is complain. Nag, nag.

So many stereotypes have focused around women and talking. Girls are taught to play quietly, not to shout, not to raise their voices. Don’t speak up. Don’t raise your hand. Don’t interrupt.  Listen quietly. Your actions speak louder than words. And — especially — don’t ever speak out of turn with a man.

Why?

Because the voice of the minority is threatening. If women start talking, they’re likely to also start asking for things — help, respect, authority. If women start talking, then they can say the one word an abuser never wants to hear: NO!

The women’s movement began the process of helping women find their voices. It taught our mothers they had a right to talk, that the stereotypes of women talking too much were another means of social control. We have made progress in getting women’s voices heard: women are now heard in schools, governments, media. We listen to women professors, women diplomats, politicians, government officials.

And yet, the average woman will still stop talking if a man enters the room. An abused wife will keep silent about her torment. Girls still speak up in school much less than boys. Why? One simple reason — fear. As women, we’re taught to fear the power of our own voices. Interrupting a man can cause rejection by him. Speaking up in class can bring about isolation and bullying. Protesting abuse can bring further pain, even death. Yet, the very times we fear talking the most are the times when our voices are most critical.

In martial arts, we learn the power of voice. The ki-ap puts force behind our strikes. It serves as a focus for our power and it can signal our intent. For example, in TKD self-defense practice, the defender ki-aps to indicate she’s ready for the attacker to begin. Voice is used to warn, scare, inform. But a strong ki-ap is frequently one of the most difficult things for a woman just starting martial arts to learn. Our voices may not be as deep as our male counterparts, but they can be just as loud. With time and practice, most of us female martial artists learn this vital technique.

But we need to take our voices out of the dojang and into our daily lives. We need to learn to speak up during the times we may feel the most fear. Self-defense experts say the strongest weapon we have is our voice.  Sometimes, just speaking up can drive a would-be attacker away. Shouting “NO” can let others in the area know you need help. As strong voice can make a woman look less like a victim. Silence conveys acceptance, validation.

Even outside of life-or-death attacks, we still need to use our voice. If we don’t like the way a spouse is speaking to us, we need to say so. Yes, I know it’s much easier to say than to do. Fear kept me silent for nearly 10 years of an abusive marriage, so I do understand. But like an attack, speaking up can let your friends, family, neighbors know there’s something wrong. It can potentially bring help. Because even if an abuser never lays a violent hand on his partner,  abuse kills the soul.

Additionally, there’s one more way our voice can help: we can name abuse when we see it, especially for those we care about. It may seem strange, but often an abused partner doesn’t know she’s in an abusive relationship. Especially if the abuse is non-physical. Be specific — describe in detail instances of abuse you witnessed and why it was abusive. I doubt I would’ve left my ex if my heart-sister hadn’t told me repeatedly for months that my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Even after I left, her ability to name and recount my ex’s abusive behaviors kept me from going back.

Our voice is one of our most powerful tools. As women, we need to learn to use it, for ourselves and for those we love.

Tags: abuse, Self-Defense, voice