It’s not just his long hair (which doesn’t bother me) or his long, usually dirty, fingernails (which do). It’s the way he interacts with people. Or, rather, doesn’t. Which isn’t to say he isn’t friendly. He’s definitely an extrovert (in a family of major intraverts) and thoroughly enjoys begin around people. In fact, when we had him tested for autism, they told us that, while he fit the profile in the other categories, he had way too many social skills to qualify for special programs. *Sigh*. Note that “too many social skills to qualify” doesn’t equate to actually having social skills. At 12, he still needs to be reminded to look at people when talking to them, for example.

Probably the biggest problem has been the temper tantrums. If you’ve ever worked with autistic children, you know what I mean. I remember one day at the park when he was three and another mother complained “Jenna’s been so difficult today. I mean, she had a tantrum that lasted a whole hour!” It was all I could do to bite my tongue and keep from saying “I should be so lucky!” Dynamo’s tantrums at that age were constant and daily. The smallest things would set him off and his tantrums would last, on an average, three to four hours. That’s an average. Many went all day.

Transitions are difficult areas, too. When he was in preschool, they repainted his classroom over spring break. Despite the fact that the same teacher, same students and nothing in the room had been changed except the color, he refused to believe it was the same room and it took him two days before he would enter it. Even on the threshold of adolescence, he still has difficulty with change, though he’s a thousand times better about it now.

Enter taekwondo. It has been a godsend for helping him learn to control his own temper, with the emphasis on self-control and self-discipline. That, combined with couseling and Jay’s presence in his life, have drastically decreased the instances and daily of the tantrums from daily for hours to once or twice a month for less than an hour. I expected and hoped for that. What has surprised me, though, is how it’s helped him learn to deal with change. Between shifting class sizes and members, to the challenge of learning new forms and techniques with each belt progression, he’s become much more adept at handling new situations.

I think the stable framework and the rituals involved with martial arts help make the changes easier to handle. Consequently, he’s able to experience change in a stable environment and therefore change itself becomes less threatening, I believe. Plus the fact that everyone is being taught manners and appropriate behavior explicitly makes him feel less different. For once, he’s on the same page as everyone else. And the ritualized forms of greeting and address give him solid rules for how to interact with people.

He knows he always has to bow to a master or black belt the first time he greets them that day and that we always bow on entering and leaving and that you always say “Gam sa hom nee da” (“Thank you”) after a teaching session. No vaguarities, no exceptions he’s supposed to just be able to “osmosis”. It’s helped him in the world outside the dojang;  if he’s unsure of what to do or say, he call fall back on “dojang manners” and treat the other people he’s dealing with as if they were black belts. The worst that happens to him when he does that is they chuckle and ask him if he’s taking karate.

It’s damn hard to watch him spar. He’s still very afraid of being hit, despite being padded to the teeth. I’ve even had him get into gear and made him take some kicks and punches from me so he could get used to the sensation of being hit. His still spends his whole bout back-pedaling. I’ve seen a girl six inches shorter and half his weight (hard to do, since he’s probably only 80lbs, dripping wet) chase him around the dojang floor with him never even trying to land a blow. Jay practically has to sit on me, as I want to jump down on the mat beside him and say, “No, stand here. Stand … now block … block again … now kick!”

Technorati Profile

Belt Test – Dynamo and I did test for our next belt rank last Saturday. The test always seem to go by in the blink of an eye — it feels like I’m barely on the floor for a minute, then it’s all over. This was our first test at White Tiger that required sparring. I’ve got to start adding some endurance training to my schedule. I barely made it through the two required bouts before melting into a puddle of sweat on the dojang floor. Of course, the fact that it was probably 95°F inside the building didn’t help either

We won’t get the actual results until Saturday. The big question will be how Dynamo’s grades may affect his chances for advancement. White Tiger requires school-aged kids turn in their most recent report card along with the application and … well, to say his grades haven’t been where they should be is an understatement. Particularly since he could be a straight-A student if put even a modicum of effort into his homework. As it stands now, it’s looking like he’s going to have to repeat 6th grade, all due to lack of motivation, rather than lack of ability.

Luckily, I’ve never had to find out. But I did get something of an answer one day when Dynamo was a baby. We were in an outdoor food-court area at a theme park — one of those places that’s all concrete with metal tables and chairs. I was carrying Dynamo when I stumbled. I could feel myself falling and, as I fell, I automatically twisted my body to put myself between Dynamo and the ground. He landed safely on top of me with nothing more than a bit of a scare. I broke my toe (again), but it didn’t matter since my child was safe. It’s a vivid sensation I can still remember to this day, twelve years later.

I’ve heard so many similar stories from other parents. I’ve spoken with many, many moms who took abuse from their partners for years and couldn’t dig themselves out of it until the abuser turned on their children. I remember one mother in particular who said, “You can do anything you want to me, but don’t mess with my kids!” In other words — hurt me, if you must, but not my son! It can’t be purely biological (we wouldn’t have child abuse, if it was): I know Jay wouldn’t hesitate to give his own life to save Dynamo’s.

But I know I’m not going to be around forever. At some point, rapidly approaching, Dynamo has to take over the job of protecting himself. Heck, I’m not even with him most of the day and that’s just going to accelerate as he finishes middle school and enters high school, then college. The big question on my mind now is: what’s the best way to teach him self-defense?

in.teg.ri.ty n 1. honesty, incorruptibility. 2. wholeness, entirety.
–Oxford American Dictionary

Every martial art I’ve encountered promotes integrity. Honesty is one of the main cornerstones of the martial arts. While I don’t know any adult who entered the martial arts to learn or improve their integrity, many of us — including me — have enrolled our kids, hoping that they’ll carry this lesson out of the dojang and into the rest of their world. (In fact, Dynamo is going to be getting a lesson in integrity when he comes back from his Dad’s. We were set to test for our next belt rank on April 18th, but I got word from the school that he hasn’t turned any homework in for the last several weeks. Which means, he’s been lying to me about not having any. I’m still planning to test – he won’t be).

There’s another side to practicing integrity: being whole and present in whatever we’re doing. Boy, do I need to practice this. I try to approach my training sessions with the attitude that I’m doing everything for the first time; if we’re kicking targets, I try to make each kick, whether it’s the first kick that day or the hundredth, as if it were the only one I would ever do. I put everything other that the task at hand out of my mind. Or, at least I attempt to – like everyone else, there are days when Dynamo’s report card and “what do we need at the store for dinner” just won’t go away. It helps me to center and focus before I begin a session. If I’m running late to class and miss the beginning meditation, the rest of my practice will be off.

On the mats, the sessions I’m focused and present out number those I’m not. My track record in other areas, though, isn’t so great. I know Dynamo deserves every ounce of integrity I can give him. Some days, that’s really hard. He’s a constant chatterbox: his mouth starts moving as soon as he wakes up and doesn’t stop until he falls asleep at night. His whole day is a running monologue. So it gets far too easy for me to tune him out (after all, I’ve had 12 years of practice ). I need to pay attention — really pay attention and not just give him distracted “humms” and “un-huhs”. The real challenge for me is to be honest with him at the times when I do really need to be concentrating on something else. I’ve been making more of an effort to say, “I’m sorry, I really need to focus on this right now. I’ll be happy to listen to what you want to say at dinner.” And then to follow through on it and actively listen to him at dinner.

But, as the definition above indicates, there’s yet another meaning to integrity — wholeness. Like courtesy, integrity is something women in our culture are taught to extend to others, but not to ourselves. We’re taught to deny our feelings and our needs in favor of our families’. For the ten+ years of my previous marriage, I compromised my integrity on a daily basis. I said “yes” when I should’ve said “no”, “wait”, “maybe”, or “let’s think about this”. I submerged my own personality, my thoughts and feelings to attend to those of my ex. Two and a half years out, I feel like I’m only now recovering my own integrity. It’s been a long process rediscovering who I actually am, not who my ex tried to shape me into.

To be true our path, we need to be true to ourselves. I also believe that our children need to see us model integrity towards ourselves. Otherwise, we risk perpetuating the cycle we’re struggling against.

Next post: Perseverance.